Okay. Let me try this again….and again..and again.
I used to have this dream. I was at a campsite. Everyone was gone. The evidence of them remained, a wrapper, a box, a blanket but no one was there–even the sound of their voices faded and left only a tumbleweed blowing down a desert highway kind of emptiness. The site was grey and dust blew around the legs of a picnic table which was shrinking until it left me. Evidence of life and its once busyness with the ashes of a burned log, marshmallow stuck at the end of a stick remained. It taunted me. Hot tears fell down my dream face. The road was closed, the food was gone. I was alone with only one way out–a large, blue lake. By the campsite was a dock. I knew I had to run and fling myself in the water and make it to the other side. I was certain I couldn’t make it, I would drown, but if I didn’t try I would die at this campsite alone. I wrestled with myself night after night in this dream. Then one night as the moment of confusion arrived, I did it! I ran down the dock and flung myself in. Halfway across the lake I saw my mother swimming next to me until we made it to the other side. Then the dream stopped.
Sometimes our campsites empty themselves and we find ourselves alone in a life that was once full. It is up to us to face our own fears as deep as a mountain lake. We must fling ourselves into the abyss of our emptiness with the belief that we can swim even if we don’t know it–we must believe it. There is no other way.
Just as we begin to give up– love finds us and guides us to the opposite shore. We cannot know that will happen until it does. We must risk death in order to live. We must love even if we do not know if anyone will love us back. We must be willing to throw ourselves into the volcano to save our village. It does not matter if it will work, it only matters if we are willing.
So now friends I will tell you: I am in love. Yes, I love you. My heart opens when I see you pass on the sidewalk and you look past me and I love you when you are asleep in your mothers arms and I love you when you are driving and see nothing but your own thoughts. I love you when I hug you and when I don’t. But my dears I also love another. Just one. He sings me his heart and brings me his poems in the morning. He won’t let me look away and when I want to turn back for that campsite he holds me closer on the shore and urges me to look forward. I do not know how he arrives. I think I dreamed him, I think I’ll lose him, I think I’ll lose me but I will not run away.
I asked the moon a few months ago, “Do you think one day that kind of love could happen for me?” I did not hear back so I wrapped my arms around her and promised that she and her children, all our children would always be enough. And it’s true. Then one day she sent me this gift–a note on a card–the face of a person who’s eyes I knew. Someone who spoke with the voice of every tear and prayer I had ever prayed.
Now sometimes I dream I am dreaming, napping to the sounds of him cooking or waking to the sounds of his feet walking to me.
I have wanted to tell you so many times but I feared I was dreaming. Now I know that I am, that all of life is a dream of my making. I will not be waking. I will continue to weave this dream into more fantastic realities. No prayer goes to waste, no love goes unanswered in this place of our dreams.