It feels so much better—

Okay. First I went to the swanky place and had some pinkish super fancy drink which costs nine bucks a pull. I acted like I totally got it. Then I hit the Irish bar and had a proper scotch and boiled myself entirely.

I’m done like bacon that’s burned and smoking in the pan in your kitchen and your friend is like, “what the hell is burning?” done,  like the burger you forgot on the grill done, like the steak you send back done, like the asparagus you hold up and it bends in the middle done—that’s the done I am.

But, why you ask is my romantic little friend so done? I thought you’d never pop the question. Here is why, there is no great love and I’ve finally, after fifty three years of choking down fairy tales accepted that this is true. Wanting to be cherished is just ego. It’s just finally after being crammed in a nursery with a herd of other children, factoried into a family of a bunch more, shuffled through the school system and then crammed in the wedding industrial complex figured out that wanting to be seen, cherished if you will, is another extension of ego asking to be noticed, raising her little hand and saying in a desperate little whine, “Oh God, please just this once see me.” Guess what–aint nobody going to see you ever because they are too busy hoping to be seen themselves.

Here’s the thing;  I don’t have the thing. I don’t know the answer except I really, really, really don’t want to suffer in the same way anymore. I can take some innovative new suffering but this old crap I’m done..yes done..with.

Is there a point? Hmm. Hang on I think I’ll get there. Yes! Bingo! I’m thinking if we get tired enough of banging our hearts against our heads we’ll come up with something. I’m thinking it’s okay to be open but also look out for oneself. I do not in any way wish to be cynical but there are people who take advantage of those who are “too nice.” I always resented that phrase and now I see I resemble it.

Am I still earning my way into heaven with all this “nice”? No. I think I’m just struggling with how daft we can all be. We can give up really good stuff by being self absorbed. I see it in me as I write this. Aren’t there deer bedding down somewhere? Isn’t there a good person bringing food to someone hungry? Yes. Have I missed it in my egotistical little ramble hoping to be “loved”, “seen” or “cherished”? Yes. And .. I am done. Oh good God– I hope so. I am exhausted.

I am reading a not yet released book about the nature of God. It is written by a super smart science person who suggests God is emergent and collective in wisdom. Isn’t that a wonderful concept? Isn’t that worth focusing on so much more than wishing to be “loved” or scene?

Why do I waste my time? I think it’s very human of me. Congratulations. Now stop it–no- really. Stop. it.

I don’t want to be daft, I don’t want to waste what life I have on vanity or hoping to be seen. If I am seen it makes me no more real than if I am not. Most things that matter in our Universe are not observable by traditional means. Why worry about that? Being loved is just some ego thing that makes you finally feel picked at dodge ball. Guess what? I didn’t get picked and no amount of trying changes that. Time to move on. The dodge ball game is over–like forty years ago.

So yes, I am done in every sense of the word and it’s been coming on for a bit now. I just hope I can stay done.

Why even write this then?

Oh Christ–I have no idea.

 

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