I want to write because I have to.
I’m sad. It’s been a long, hard day. I’m not ill, mentally or otherwise, but I am feeling sad, tired, lonely and exhausted with people– including me.
Don’t pray for me, suggest a therapist or meditation–I don’t need it. I’m just being human. If you want to do something for me admit you feel it too–at least sometimes.
I’m thinking there is no you and me, no others, just us. We are one big body, a big mass of humanity and if you strip away the ways we want to be different–clothes, money, gender, race–yes in some ways we want to see ourselves as different and imagine that difference is a real thing that gives us something better or exclusive or ‘us-ness’ because we have a need to be special. Of course it’s a bit of nonsense because if you talk to as many people as I do everyday you know that street people, sages,holy folk and the regular Joe all talk about the same stuff–their heart break, their jobs, their sense that no one understands them despite the fact they all have the same story. One day I want to record these conversations and edit them together and show them back to us. Then we’d see how alike we are.
Say yes, I’m sad–and yes briefly heart broken. I woke up at 3am still crying as I had been since falling asleep. I didn’t know you could do that while snoring. I kicked off my covers, placed my hand on my belly and noticed my hip bones slightly visible and actually, really thought, “How can I be sad? I’m thin!” I’ve lost around thirty pounds this past year and apparently the part of me that believes every message its given really thought if I was thin I would be happy. So weird. So troubling. I wonder what other messages are rattling around up there informing my behavior?
Why is it I have this need to couple on one level and then when I picture not hiking alone anymore or talking to someone–like every night–I run away from the thought? Why is it that when I hear a man say he just wants to help and take care of me my heart knows in some ways I do need that, being human and knowing we are if nothing else social creatures, but other parts of me wants to start swinging? What crazy messages are causing that confusion? There’s probably some advertisement somewhere or some article in Cosmo driving it, but I can’t remember.
So I woke up briefly heart broken for good reasons just like when you do and it’s okay to talk about it. It’s okay to say I am discouraged with my life right now and confused about why I’m living it and that doesn’t mean I need intervention…maybe you do…but even then you’re just being a person…like me and the guy next to you who you think is nothing like you but really is.
I wonder if the day will come when someone breaks protocol and talks in the elevator, tells the truth when someone asks how they are or just admits this big mess of humanity with all our tragedy, anger, love and beauty is well..just exactly like them.
So tonight I’m looking forward to sleep. I’m hoping to sleep through and wake refreshed but I may just be sad and tired and think..”How am I sad when I’m thin?”
It’s a long life and it goes on..and on.