The Angry Onion Returns: I’d rather be shameless than shamed

When last we met I told you about “onion guy” he swayed me with his little cooking tidbits and affections, vague discussions of love and then total disappearance, then reappearance, then disappearance. This technique, according to psychologists, seals love and psychosis all in one sweep. How charming.

So, dear blog, I am not doing so well. “You’re doing alright, I’m not feeling so good myself” could be the anthem of anyone in free fall heartache after yet another fail that leaves me–and maybe you–wondering how we keep getting it wrong.  Just how many times can one dust oneself off?  I am wondering and calculating the math, is there a specific number of times?

Ladies–if we could be real for a moment and dive into a massive generalization–guys know how to do the full force rejection. The kind that has passive, detached voice, slightly cocked head and an expression of surprise that your being dumped is even a thing, at all. They seem to act as if it has no meaning and should be no problem. Like they’ve ordered tacos and you brought burritos.

I don’t know how they do it, but they’ve mastered this. I think there is some sort of man school that has seven day intensives on rejecting with full force and least investment. Maybe it’s called,” Ripping off the bandage quickly with def com 5, black ops efficiency”.

They have this other trick in the playbook called “ghosting” or “fading back” which means disappearing. No call, no text, no personal messaging, no e-mail. Poof they vanish. Sadly this normally does not happen when they are seeking your acquaintance but after they have become all too well acquainted. It’s an ugly reality. What’s crazy is that this is still happening. Now?

(Guys: feel free to chime in here and break it down for me. I am myopic, I can only see my own hurt so if I’ve got it wrong, please explain. Maybe my faith in man being kind could be restored.)

But in this moment as a modern woman I am left asking if my mother’s admonitions about buying the cow when you can get the milk for free is actually, pitifully accurate?  Are we really living in the kind of world where women must play coy and hard to get, must make the man give chase and hide their intentions and manipulate the situation in order to have a relationship? Am I really supposed to be blushing under a fan or dashing home in my penny loafers? How? No, really I don’t know how.

That whole thing escaped me. I was busy reading “Call of the Wild” in my homemade tree fort and floating leaf boats down the stream. Where and when was I supposed to pick this up? Do I have to rent movies from the fifties to sort this out? Oy vey–I’m at a loss.

I may just have to say I’m out. I cannot do it. I cannot play princess in a castle who needs rescuing nor can I play prey animal to be hunted or the queen who is disinterested because I am so prized. It’s all a boring load of cow dung. If I can’t just be a person living a life who would like another nice person living a life to hang out with and see what happens, then maybe, to hell with it. If this is true I’m pissed.

Maybe it’s some whole other thing I don’t know–see how this insecurity spins along taking a small event and turning it into an hysterical phobic situation?

I can occupy my time just fine. I have no trouble being out and about and seeing  movies on my own or bellying up to a bar for a glass of wine. I’m not intimidated. I can bring home the tofu on my own and my doors tend to open themselves these days. It seems like it would be nice to have someone to love. But that could be off too. Should I sink into monk status, “Om” or become a hermit, “You come in here, you’ll get a buckshot to the seat. Now bug off!”

I don’t know.

Here a desperate last ditch: if ,and that’s an IF as in never, I took out ad ad it would say this,

“Person seeking person to speak with, enjoy good conversation which goes back and forth equally and does not consume the entire conversation with either person’s prowess . Seeking person who can enjoy a show, a glass of wine and maybe a good hike now and then. Someone to do fun things with but not someone to fix me, change me, dominate me or manipulate me. I also won’t do those things to you nor will I dress you or make you shop with me or have lunch with my girlfriends–cause some shit is sacred. Someone who has no need to show my picture to his friends–preferred.”

Is that crazy needy? Too much? Is it weird to think a person one loves could be a friend, like other friends who enjoy hanging out, calling, talking about life’s various spikes and crashes? Is that what counts as high maintenance these days?

This Angry Onion thing did really well. Thank you. I picked up some new friends and followers and I’d like to keep it going. Maybe you can steer me off the rocks–the people in my constellation aren’t sure what to tell me (or they’re afraid) so hit me with your reality.

I am still also seeking my first brave soul willing to trivialize their misery into a blog so we can share. It somehow feels better to stand naked with all this than trying to cover it up. I’d just as well be shameless than shamed–any day.







3 thoughts on “The Angry Onion Returns: I’d rather be shameless than shamed

  1. Hi, I think this is totally a 2000 + problem the new millennium has brought us women some complications. When we can do it all ourselves but don’t want to.
    To quote the millionaire match maker “men have become lazy lions”, but we’re still powerful lionesses!
    I’m in the same boat as you, but have to admit I’m no saint.. I could launch into a huge statement about how I only want a companion, etc etc.. But I also want that boom, firework feeling. Unfortunately us lionesses like the chase also and so the ones who are more elusive are great prey, we want to chase catch and consume that tasty morsel, the sitting ducks pose as no challenge lol!!
    So how do we do this?
    I’ve been serial dating since loving back to the UK from Europe, in Europe being single is fashionable, back home everyone is in relationships, I think because Europe you spend most of the day out socializing, where as in the UK it’s very much a home in the week and only the weekend is a social time.
    So I got on a dating site here, and have been dating almost every night, I’ve never really dated, always been in long term, never right, but I stayed cause I didn’t want to quit.
    I’ve dated such a mix of men, all around my age, a couple years below or above. I’ve tried to stick to my area too so that I don’t have to travel to much and give it a chance to have a future. The first guy I dated I thought yep this one will do, but like your onion guy, he became elusive, the first night he declared his love for me, I was perfect, how lucky he was to find me.. We saw each other around five more times, dog walking, local pub etc, then he just disappeared.. We never slept together so it wasn’t that he got his cake and left. I was really hurt and confused, but I sucked it up and gave threading another go. After that I’ve dated lots of guys, and found that if you show a little interest but don’t chase they a crazy for you.. It’s wasnt my intention to have that reaction, I just realized that being allowed to date on tap has allowed me to be fussy.
    I often enjoy the first date, we have a lovely kissing session maybe after a couple of glasses of wine, but then I become blase..I turned into the first guy I dated. The guy then, sure confuses, starts Persuing me. If they then get overly desperate I cut them off, or get even more distant.
    So my conclusion is that if you like a guy you have to go slow.. I think you can have passion, even sex.. But you have to do it without expecting a future.. You have to play it cool, don’t over text, test the water, if he’s texting you great, if he acts elusive then go out on another date with someone else and distract yourself.. If he’s interested he’ll come to you.
    When I say date another guy I don’t mean you have to pash with him or have sex.. Just distract yourself.
    It’s a pain when you just wish the one you really like were on your page but people fall at different times, and if you don’t push it then he may come to fall for you too.
    Men back off if they feel that they’re being suffocated.
    Take this one guy I have been texting with. He came on so strong with me in the beginning, quite Pervy.. I was actually laughing at him and texting back for a laugh. Then I thought nah bored now, so I ignored him for a while. He started texting nicer normal conversation. So I thought maybe, as I said before, I’ve only been in long term relationships, this guy could be a one night stand. So I said why not let’s get a hotel room and have one crazy night, but after that I told him I wouldn’t see him again. At first he was so up for the idea he got really turned on. We’ve still not met, but his whole attitude has changed, now he’s texting telling me about how he’s a really nice guy and that he loves taking to me and please if we meet could it not be a one night thing, that I’ve misunderstood him, that he could really see himself with me in a long term relationship.. It’s crazy. The more power you have the more they want you.
    I promise I didn’t set out to do this, in my previous blogs I was quite bewildered about relationships.
    My goal is to settle down, get married and have a baby. I’ve never serial dated, or had a one night stand. I’m still not sleeping with these guys so I guess I’m holding that card.. But I have had intense passion sessions with a couple lol…
    I do feel empowered, I feel less desperate, by dating more guys I am not settling, I’m also not chasing. I’m exhausted right now as I’m working all day every day and dating every night, but I’m having fun. However downside is there are guys that I have liked and have not chased back, if they had I’d have stopped and would now be in a relationship..
    So the key is simply keep fishing till the right fish bites.. Don’t settle or chase the wrong one.
    What if it doesn’t happen?! Well at least I’m not in the device courts or with babies around my ankles with no help from a dead beat dad..
    Sending you love and luck X


  2. Sorry I wrote this reply on my phone and when I posted I read it back and a lot of word errors, but you can read through the tipo’s I’m sure. I didn’t start threading I started dating! And not device courts, DEVORCE courts. Among other mistakes lol.


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